


Bewitched, Bothered, and Bewildered

by Mina Lightstar (ukefied)



Category: Gintama
Genre: Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-31
Updated: 2014-05-31
Packaged: 2018-01-27 19:55:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,740
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1720649
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ukefied/pseuds/Mina%20Lightstar
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"What drugs?" Okita asks.<br/>"The drugs in your FACE," Kagura replies.<br/>"That doesn't make any sense, you ingrate."<br/>"Your FACE doesn't make any sense!"</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bewitched, Bothered, and Bewildered

**Author's Note:**

> Originally written many, many years ago for gamera/Megan.

It's a dark, quiet night in Edo. This is good, Dhuufur thinks, because errands are so much easier to run when the streets are void of people to run in _to_. Mindful of the time -- and his deadline -- Dhuurfur puts considerably more spring into his step and tightens his grip on his brown paper bag. Two-thirty, his boss had said. Two-thirty-five at the absolute latest. The contact would not wait a minute longer. It's fine, though, because Dhuurfur still has a whole seven minutes to spa--

Someone dashes into the cross street. Dhuurfur is moving too quickly to avoid the collision. "Watch it, idiot human!" he shouts, which only results in the human looking over at him, puzzled expression on his face quickly giving way to surprise.

"Oh shi--!"

There is pain, dirt, and paper bags everywhere.

When Dhuurfur picks himself up off the ground, he rubs his backside and snarls at the human, hoping his teeth are gleaming in the moonlight. "What the hell are you running around for at this hour?" he demands.

"So sorry, sir," the human pipes up. He dusts himself up and gestures to the many brown bags strewn across the ground. "I'm the bread-runner from the Local Bakery." He starts picking up bags of bread and other foodstuffs. "I can't very well be the bread-runner if I don't run, now can I?"

"Shut up, stupid human." Dhuurfur grabs his paper bag and starts running again. "Run with your eyes open next time!" he calls over his shoulder.

"Have a nice evening, rude amanto sir!" the human calls back.

Fortunately, Dhuurfur arrives to the docks on time, paper bag still firmly in hand. The contact is already there, dressed a little more conspicuously than Dhuurfur imagined he would be. The purple fur coat is a bit much.

"About time," the contact snaps. He strokes his whiskers and grabs the bag with a spotted-furred hand.

"Sorry, sir," Dhuurfur says. "Ran into a human, quite literally."

"They get under your shoes so easily," the contact agrees. "Pleasure doing business with your boss."

"Thank you, sir. I'll pass on the message."

 

***

 

"We're  _doomed!_ " Shinpachi wails to the kitchen walls. "Look at this, look at THIS!" There is the sound of flapping paper. "Our balance -- we have no balance! We're going to starve! We're going to rot here in this stupid apartment because no one is hiring us! Do something! We have to DO SOMETHING!"

Kagura turns the television's volume up without comment. Shinpachi does this about once a week.

"Alfaanhg is going to die," Gintoki predicts at the commercial break.

"No choice," Kagura agrees. "His lover already did. But he will take Ouflanghf with him."

Shinpachi appears in the doorway. "HOW CAN YOU TWO BE SO CALM ABOUT THIS?"

Gintoki shrugs one shoulder. "You know, in this world, there are samurai who don't have the luxury of being able to be so calm--"

"YOU don't have the luxury of being so calm!" Shinpachi snaps. He looks like he wants to pull his hair out.

"Shinpachi," Kagura pipes up, "wait until the next commercial. Alfaanhg is about to die."

"If I wait any longer, you two won't have television anymore!"

"No way!"

"If people aren't hiring, they aren't hiring." Gintoki rotates his shoulders. "We could have been Kagura's managers last week, when that guy was looking for new exotic dancers. Could have made a killing, but Kagura doesn't have a chest." For this, Gintoki's arm becomes Sadaharu's chew-toy, but the samurai takes this in stride.

"You're hopeless! Both of you!" Shinpachi goes on to rant and rave about their financial situation, and something must be done, Gin-san, before Otose-san really does kick them out, but Gintoki tunes his friend out.

"Shinpachi," Kagura suggests around a mouthful of rice, "why don't you go work on the corner?"

"WHAT?!"

"You know, like Gin-chan is always saying--MMPH," she finishes, and bites Gintoki's hand.

"So noisy, you," Gintoki drawls. "Ladies don't talk about things like working at street corners."

"She isn't a lady," Shinpachi points out, and Gintoki looks away when Sadaharu gives his answer to  _that_.

_" Alfaanhg! NOOOOOOOOOOOO!"_

"Called it," Gintoki says, raising a hand.

As the program ends on a tragic note, the doorbell rings. Gintoki exchanges looks with Kagura and Shinpachi.

"What's this?" he asks, annoyed because  _Ladies Four_  is coming on next. "Who goes around ringing doorbells at three o'clock on a weekday? Don't they know people are working at this hour?"

"We aren't," Shinpachi snaps, and he's already running for the door.

"If it's that cosmetics bitch," Kagura shouts, "tell her it  _is_  her fault I threw up on her dress! They shouldn't have make-up that smells like chocolate!"

"Language, Kagura-chan," their spectacled friend reminds her as he opens the door.

Gintoki remains on the couch, scratching inside of his ear. "Welcome to Freelancer Gin-san's humble abode."

"My god," Shinpachi gasps.

"My god!" Kagura echoes.

With a sigh, Gintoki shoves himself to his feet and wanders over to see what the fuss is all about. "Look, if you can never manage to answer a door without me--

"--my god."

 

***

 

"Good morning, Vice-Commander!"

Hijikata Toshirou acknowledges the squad's greeting with a lazy wave. He's tired after a long night of chasing down a common burglar, and then having to prepare some linear notes for the morning's meeting, as Kondo, the Commander of the Shinsengumi, can't be trusted to deliver a simple speech.

He's lighting a cigarette when Sougo's "hello" happens. If nothing else, having someone try to cleave a man in two every morning will hone his skills: Toshirou can back-flip without losing his lighter's flame.

"Sougo, what are you doing so early in the morning?" he demands without rancor. This one, he knows, is a lost cause.

Captain Okita Sougo stands and sheathes his blade expertly, not at all ruffled about his plans for usurping Hijikata being thwarted yet again. "Just testing your reflexes, Hijikata-san."

"Sure you are."

"You look tired, Hijikata-san." Quick as lighting, there's a hand pressed against his forehead, feeling for his temperature.

"Sougo," he bites out, "what are you doing?"

"You could be falling ill!" Sougo sounds genuinely concerned. "You're awfully warm, and clearly drained, and perhaps you've contracted one of the many diseases plaguing our planet. You should go on home and retire -- forever."

"Nice try." Toshirou shoves Sougo's hand away, and turns back to the squad's morning practice. Satisfied, he heads for Kondo's office. "Sougo, don't be late for the meeting."

"Of course not, Hijikata-san."

 

***

 

Yamazaki of the Shinsengumi isn't usually the last one to stumble into work. Today is going to be an exception, because Commander Kondo asked him to bring the refreshments for the morning's meeting.

"Excuse me, Miss," he beckons to the human girl behind the counter at the Local Bakery. "I'd like five dozen of your prized iced pastries, please."

"Certainly!" she chirps, and begins packing them into boxes. "Our chef was up all night preparing these for the morning, so they're nice and fresh. You couldn't have made a better selection...."

Yamazaki listens to the cashier as she prattles on, singing her pastries's praises. He can't wait to serve them in the meeting with some tea.

 

***

 

"My god," Shinpachi says again.

"My god!" Kagura echoes.

"We aren't on TV," Gintoki reminds them. "You don't need to recap what just happened." But then he looks again and says, "My god."

"Hey, old man," Kagura pipes up," your coat is really, really purple."

The amanto visitor looks down on them, literally and figuratively. "Are you the Freelancers?"

"Yes, sir," Shinpachi affirms, taking in the expensive coat and obviously imagining the profit from this. "Anything from lost pets to trips to the frontier of space for a special herb for dinner!"

"Don't get ahead of yourself," Gintoki reminds him.

The amanto brushes past them into the living room, acting like he owns the place -- which he very well could, had he any urge.

"Businessman," Gintoki observes, watching the way he moves, the way he adjusts the business cards in his front pocket, and the way he makes to sit down on the couch, only to recoil with a distasteful expression and remain standing.

"Money," Shinpachi observes, watching the way the coat sways with every movement, the way the shoes click-clack against the floor, and the handkerchief that appears out of nowhere to wipe the amanto's nose -- a handkerchief that is probably worth more than all of Gintoki's linens.

"What'cha need, mister?" Kagura wants to know.

The amanto looks around the quaint living space and sniffs. "I'll make it clear that I've little use for humans, let alone believe one should  _pay_  for this use."

 _This is starting well,_  Gintoki thinks.

"I'll also make it clear the only reason I am even considering buying your, ahem, _services_  is because I've heard you keep things relatively quiet, and you're good at skulking around the dirtiest alleys of this accursed city in your pursuit of your client's happiness."

"I don't know what you've heard--" Gintoki starts, but is cut off with Shinpachi's elbow hitting his gut.

"So listen carefully, human freelancer." A fan is produced, and the amanto uses it, probably, to drive away the human stench. "I want you to find something for me. It's mine, it was stolen, and I want it back."

"What is it you want us to find?" Shinpachi asks.

The fan snaps shut. "Sugar."

"We have some in the kitchen you can have," Kagura offers.

An impatient snort. "No, stupid girl. This is a special kind of sugar. Of course, it isn't sugar at all."

"What is it, then?" Gintoki asks lazily.

"It's  _special_  medication. In its solid form, it looks like granulated sugar: White sand, if you will. I want you to find the bag of it, and bring it back to me. The reward for this, ah,  _quiet_  retrieval will be substantial."

"What's it packaged in?" Shinpachi wants to know. "And where was it lost?"

"A sugar bag. Camouflage, you see. And we believe it was misplaced in the market sometime last night."

Gintoki stares at the amanto, unimpressed. It's Kagura who points out, "So you want us to find a bag of sugar that really isn't sugar in the most sugared place in the city?"

"... Essentially, yes. As soon as possible."

The Freelancers exchange a pointed look, but Shinpachi says, "Don't worry, sir. I'm sure we'll find it. Whatever it is."

 

***

 

Dhuufur stares helplessly at the bakery cashier, wringing his hands and hoping he isn't sweating. "Do you put sugar in everything here?"

"Well, of course, sir!" the girl chirps. "You can't very well have a winning bakery if none of your pastries are made with sugar, now can you?"

Dhuufur fights the urge to burst into tears. "Then, I'd like everything."

"Sure thing, sir. One of each, coming up."

"No," Dhuufur clarifies. "I need everything. Everything in the store. Every. Single. Thing."

"... Very good, sir."

 

***

 

Around nine o'clock, Toshirou decides there is something not right with Commander Kondo. For the umpteenth time, he wonders just how Kondo has managed to remain at the head of the Shinsengumi for so long. (Then again, looking at the ranks in general -- from badminton addict Yamazaki to psychotic Okita -- maybe it's no surprise.) After insisting that the morning's meeting begin promptly at eight-thirty, eight-thirty comes and goes and Commander Kondo is nowhere to be seen.

"Maybe he overslept," Yamazaki offers, munching on one of the pastries he brought in.

 _Maybe he's an idiot,_  Toshirou thinks.

Then Sougo appears and saunters around the boardroom to speak directly to him. "Hijikata-san, I have a message from the Commander. Please give the speech yourself. He isn't quite feeling well this morning."

"And what were you doing loitering in the Commander's office when you should have been here?"

"Loitering? Hijikata-san, you're cruel. I was negotiating some vacation time. Actually, I'm not finished with that."

Toshirou sighs under his breath, but recovers quickly and shoos Sougo away. He glances around at the fidgeting, pastry-scarfing men, and sighs again.

Around nine-thirty, Toshirou decides there is something not right with today's meeting. Everyone looks... uncomfortable. At first, he tries to ignore it, but soon it becomes something he simply can't overlook.

"What's wrong with the lot of you, you good-for-nothing bums?" he demands. When they stare at him, seemingly too frightened to speak, he barks, "Well?!"

Haji stands up stiffly, looking pained. "Vice-Commander, sir! I'm having impure thoughts, sir! I've failed the Shinsengumi!" he wails, and flees the boardroom.

Toshirou stares after the new recruit quizzically, and then asks, "Is anyone else having impure thoughts?"

"Not about you, sir," one man assures him.

"No thoughts, just... you know, things, sir," says another.

"Sir! I am experiencing a certain eagerness of the sword, sir!" yet another affirms.

Toshirou stares at them, uncomprehending. They are all clearly suffering the same affliction, looking red-faced and uncomfortable and ashamed. "What could this be?"

"Have we been drugged?!" comes one horrified conclusion.

Shocked, Toshirou looks down at the untouched pastry on his plate. "Impossible...! Yamazaki!"

"Hijikata-san!" the badminton player replies, standing despite the obvious shame it brings him. "I bought the pastries directly from the bakery, and not a soul touched the bag but me, until I put them on the plate!"

"What about the tea?" Toshirou demands.

Yamazaki falters. "That, it's from our headquarters. From the kitchen. I only made tea, sir, but I can't tell you if someone else tampered with the teabags."

Toshirou decides to focus on the pastries first, as they're the true foreign factor in play. "No one drugs the Shinsengumi and gets away with it. You're sure that's what it is, right?" He wants to make sure, lest they repeat the thoroughly embarrassing incident of three years prior.

"Definitely," Yamazaki assures him. "Sir, I don't find you sexually arousing in any way and here I am. Look!"

Toshirou looks away. "I'd rather not. All right, first: Get back to that bakery and get to the bottom of those pastries. Yamazaki, you lead the first squad, as you bought them in the first place."

"Sir!"

Toshirou doesn't stick around to watch the band follow his orders. He leaves the room and heads for Kondo's office, wondering what sort of prankster would think the Shinsengumi would be humiliated like this and refrain from hunting down the culprit.

"Commander," he says as he bursts into the room, and stops short.

Kondo is leaning forward on his knees, watching Okita Sougo belly-dance with keen interest. Toshirou manages to watch Sougo perform one camel before turning from the room, utterly disturbed. "What the hell are those drugs doing to us?"

"What drugs?" Sougo asks.

 

***

 

"Gin-chan!" Kagura cries.

"What?" Gintoki inquires lazily.

"I have a question!"

"Shinpachi, Kagura has a question."

"Kagura," Shinpachi says, "what's your question?"

"My question is, this is the stupidest job we've ever gotten."

Gintoki says, "One, that isn't a question at all, stupid; two, you're stupid."

" _Two_ ," Shinpachi corrects, "it's one of the only jobs we've ever gotten that may end with the rent paid."

"If it ends at all."

"How are we supposed to find stuff that isn't sugar but looks like sugar and is in a sugar bag in the middle of the market?" Kagura demands for the second time.

"Don't worry," Shinpachi assures her, "one way or another, these things have ways of working themselves out."

"And why," Kagura asks, "are we shouting about this in the middle of a crowded street?"

Gintoki says, "One, you're the only one shouting, idiot; two, you're an idiot."

"TWO," Shinpachi corrects, "maybe we should -- hey, what's that?"

Kagura looks in the direction to which he's pointing, and observes, "Looks like mating season to me."

Gintoki snorts. "Humans don't have mating  _seasons._ "

"You don't mate at all!" Kagura shoots back.

"I'm  _selective,_ " Gintoki retorts.

Shinpachi stares at the amanto couple clawing at one another almost desperately, right in the middle of the street. "How uncivilized. And they think  _we're_  the problem."

"Well," Gintoki says, "that is definitely very bizarre, but probably not at all related to our job. Let's keep moving."

 

***

 

Normally, Katsura Kotaro does not make a habit of walking into the afterglow of amanto sexual relations. Today is an exception, as this marks the seventh couple that has lived it up in public, with neither embarrassment or remorse.

The two reptilian women snarl at his stare.

"What's your problem?" one demands.

"Never seen two chicks tear each other's clothing off before?" the other asks snidely.

"Or grab each other's breasts?"

"Or drag one another into the alley?"

"Or go down on each other six times?"

"Proving that lizards have the best tongues?"

Katsura says, "Not in broad daylight, no."

 

***

 

Yamazaki and his first squad attract a few stares from the general populace as they tear down the streets for a certain Local Bakery. Apparently, a group of fifteen men with hard-ons running through the city is unusual.

They burst into the Local Bakery brandishing their swords, startling the patrons and the poor girl behind the counter.

"Nobody move!" Yamazaki shouts, swinging his badminton racket. "This is the Shinsengumi!"

"The horny Shinsengumi!" Kenji yells from the back of the store.

"Oh my," the girl says.

"Stay away from my daughter," one amanto warns.

Yamazaki levels his racket at the girl behind the counter. "What was in those honeycakes you sold me?" he demands.

The girl swallows. "Honey? Cake ingredients? Please don't hurt me."

"..." He looks around the store. "Where did all your merchandise go?"

The girl swallows again. "Someone bought it all earlier."

Alarms go off in Yamazaki's head. "Really? Why would anyone buy out an entire bakery?"

The girl explains, "He looked rather suspicious, my good Shinsengumi. Very twitchy and, uh, eager. Like he was looking for something."

"Sounds suspicious," Kenji yells from the back of the bakery.

"What did this guy look like?" Yamazaki asks.

The girl behind the counter describes him: Medium-height, gray skin, dark hair, mean look.

"Sounds like someone we know," Kenji yells from the back of the bakery.

"Anything else?" Yamazaki asks.

The girl behind the counter thinks for a moment. "Oh! His phone rang while I was gathering up the bread for him. He answered it, 'Duuford here,' or some-such. I'm not good with names," she laments. "This one time, at band camp--"

"Sounds like someone wanted," Kenji yells from the back of the bakery.

"It's Dhuufur!" Yamazaki declares. "Shinsengumi, move out! We've got to get this to Headquarters!"

 

***

 

By the tenth couple, Katsura is beginning to fear some sort of lust spell has been cast over the entire city. Except not really, because he is finding clues: Local Bakery bags and containers. He isn't sure what could possibly connect a bakery to public displays of much-more-than-affection, but at the moment, it's all he has to go on.

The entire situation disappoints him a little. He started investigating these strange incidents thinking it was some sort of amanto scandal or crime, only to discover the affected were human and amanto alike. It obviously went much deeper than he'd anticipated.

 _That_  part was kind of interesting.

"Oh-ho," he murmurs, catching a glimpse of another couple racing into an alley. Even from where he's standing, he can see the fat Local Bakery bag in the man's hand.

Not one to pass up a chance like that, Katsura gives chase.

 

***

 

"Dhuufur?" Hijikata echoes.

Yamazaki nods. "No doubt about it, sir. The girl at the Local Bakery described him perfectly, and she even heard him give him name on the phone."

"It makes sense," Hijikata muses. "Dhuufur is connected to the Chome-Chome drug ring, the ones we've suspected of trafficking dangerous drugs. If we've been drugged, and he cleaned out the Local Bakery after we were... it's safe to assume they've got something to do with this."

"Those bastards," Yamazaki curses.

"They have good taste in music, though," Kenji yells from the back of the room.

"Let's move out," Hijikata orders. "If he's in this city, we'll find him."

 

***

 

They've combed the entire market district and are on the outskirts of the red-light district when Gintoki snaps.

"Okay, that's it. Give me that phone number."

Shinpachi, knowing it would probably come to this, says, "Okay," and forks over the top secret contact number they were given.

Gintoki snatches the little slip of paper. He fishes through his pockets for a while and finally demands, "Someone give me money for the phone."

Shinpachi sighs and surrenders that, too.

Gintoki dials the number and makes faces while he is being connected. When he finally gets someone, he snaps, "You bastard, how are we supposed to find a bag of sugar that's filled with stuff that looks like sugar but isn't sugar in the middle of the market?"

Shinpachi waits, exchanging looks with Kagura, while Gintoki badgers their contact into giving him some more information. Finally, Gintoki says, "Oh?" and then says, "Well, maybe that will help a little," and hangs up.

"What'd he say?" Kagura wants to know.

Gintoki waves a lazy hand. "I got some guy named Dhuurfur. Says he has a feeling the stuff  _might_  have been consumed already, and if it has, they want us to recover the leftovers quietly."

"Consumed?" Kagura asks. "Like, people ate it?"

"Are we looking for drugs?" Shinpachi wants to know.

"Also," Gintoki continues, "he says this stuff is... helpful. Apparently, if anyone has had some of it, they'll probably be acting 'desperate.'"

"Desperate?" Kagura asks.

Before Shinpachi can make any comment, heavy footfalls reach their ears and all three of them are treated to the sight of Commander Kondo Isao and Captain Okita Sougo barreling toward one of the love hotels.

Kagura looks at Shinpachi. Shinpachi looks at Gintoki.

Gintoki says, "That's desperate enough for me," and they follow.

When they get to the door, they're cut off by another equally-desperate couple making for the door. It takes two attempts for the man to get the door open; he seems to have forgotten doorknobs have to be turned.

Shinpachi says, "Do you think they had the drugs, too?"

"Most definitely," says someone who is neither Gintoki nor Kagura.

Gintoki says, "Zura?"

Katsura Kotaro steps out of the alley's shadow and shoves Gintoki so hard, the silver-haired samurai almost falls over. "It's not Zura, it's KATSURA!"

"Katsura?!" comes a voice from above, and they look up in time to see a rocket launcher stick out of the window, followed by Okita Sougo.

"That's why I call you Zura, Zura," Gintoki points out.

"That is  _not_  why you call me Zura," Katsura retorts.

Kagura puts her hands on her hips and shouts, "Hey, why don't you come down here and try shooting me to my  _face_ , instead of hiding in a love hotel?"

"Why don't  _you_  come up here?" Okita shoots back.

"No way! I don't want anyone to see me in a love hotel with  _you_!"

"A love hotel with Okita Sougo?" Gintoki wonders, giving Kagura a weird look.

"No dating until you're sixteen," Shinpachi tells her automatically, but she's ignoring him, engrossed in her argument with Captain Okita.

"Gintoki," Katsura speaks up, backing away from the hotel, "there's something going around the city. I've seen at least a dozen couples seemingly unable to resist the urge to be intimate no matter where they happen to be."

"Yeah," Gintoki acknowledges lazily, clearly enjoying that he knows something Katsura doesn't. "I already know. We're supposed to track down the drugs being trafficked. Apparently, they're some kind of untested aphrodisiac."

"What drugs?" Okita asks.

"The drugs in your  _face_ ," Kagura replies.

"That doesn't make any sense, you ingrate."

"Your  _face_  doesn't make any sense!"

"In any case," Katsura says, "I'm going to get to the bottom of this. Don't eat anything from the Local Bakery, Gintoki." And with that, Katsura takes off into the darkness of the alleys.

"Gin-san," Shinpachi says, "if so many people are being affected, then there probably isn't any of the drug left to recover!"

"What drug?" Kondo Isao demands, giving Gintoki a Look, which probably has a lot to do with the fact that Gintoki already gave him a beating once. "Are the Freelancers trafficking drugs now?"

"No!" Shinpachi cries.

"Actually, we're retrieving them for a client," Gintoki explains. He produces the slip of paper with the phone number. "Dhuufur, maybe you know him?"

Kondo's eyes narrow, and he says, "Good job, Freelancers."

"Good job?" Shinpachi wonders.

"Well," Gintoki says, "let's get going, then."

"... Gin-san, are we--?"

"Kagura," Gintoki calls, "come along or you'll miss all the fun."

"Sougo," Kondo calls, "we've got work to do." As he speaks, he's taking out his phone and dialing. "Toshi? I have a number that needs to be traced."

Okita Sougo jumps down from the window. "Hey, Katsura got away."

Kagura says, "Stupid, we're going after something much better."

"Like what?" Sougo wants to know. "Porn? Is it porn?"

 

***

 

Dhuufur doesn't like humans. He likes them even less when they storm his house and arrest all his people.

"What is the meaning of this?" he demands as he's restrained and cuffed by Edo's Shinsengumi.

Yamazaki points to his groin. " _This_  is the meaning of this."

"No one drugs the Shinsengumi and gets away with it," Vice-Commander Hijikata says.

"But I didn't -- it was an accident, it was--" he glares at the silver-haired samurai and his companions. "I hope you realize this betrayal cancels our contract. You won't be getting paid."

"I didn't betray you," Gintoki says. "I did what you asked: Brought back the drugs. You just have to jack off the Shinsengumi to get it."

"Gin-san," Shinpachi says, embarrassed and disgusted.

"Take him away," Kondo commands, and turns to the Freelancers. "For helping us with this, we might be able to arrange some sort of..." he trails off when he realizes they are already gone, making tracks out of Dhuufur's elaborate yard. "Well, then."

"Let them go, Hijikata-san," Sougo suggests. "It'll be more fun to arrest them some other time. We've already made an arrest today."

But all Hijikata wants to know is, "What were you doing with Kondo in a love hotel?"

"I was securing his self-esteem after his latest rejection from Otae-san."

"You were securing a trip to the Bahamas."

"Say, Hijikata-san, when do these aphrodisiacs wear off, anyway?"

Hijikata frowns. "You know, I have no idea how strong they are."

" _Very_  strong," Dhuufur laughs as he's escorted out the door. He gives pointed looks to his two guards. "It was intended to be the most revolutionary pleasure drug in the world when it was fully tested. I'd find brothels for the night, if I were you."

"You aren't us," Kondo points out. "For one, you'll be spending a good few years in prison for trafficking illegal and dangerous drugs."

"It is dangerous," Hijikata says, glancing at his men who were guarding Dhuufur. "Look at that. It's not natural. They've been like that since this morning." He shakes his head. "Is everyone else still feeling the effects of the drug?"

"Sir," Yamazaki pipes up with a salute, "I've been standing at the ready for hours now, sir!"

"I can't wait until my shift is over, so I can grab a hooker," Kenji yells from the back of the house.

"I can't wait until  _my_  shift is over," Sougo murmurs. "I was  _this close_."

Hijikata says, "You disgust me."

 

***

 

"Dhuufur was a fall guy, I think," Katsura explains between mouthfuls of soba.

Shinpachi asks, "You mean the guy who hired us, knowing this might turn bad, covered his tracks by having Dhuufur take the fall for him?"

"Essentially, yes. I'm sure Dhuufur was paid well to spend a few years in jail while his boss continues to reap the rewards of trafficking."

"His boss was definitely something," Kagura agrees. "His coat was very purple."

"You think we'll see him again?" Shinpachi wonders. He looks at Gintoki. "I mean, he'll definitely hear that the Shinsengumi disrupted his plan because of us, you know."

"If he can be bothered," Gintoki replies lazily. "I'm not going to worry about it until it happens." He turns the page of his JUMP magazine.

"Wouldn't it be funny if we ended up involved in another one of that guy's schemes?" Kagura laughs.

"Wouldn't it."

Shinpachi sputters, "Oh, please. Like we'd be stupid enough to get caught up in a mess like this again."

Katsura doesn't say anything.

+fin+


End file.
